Pineal Gland Extract Offers Hope for Space Travel

The University of Newberry in Des Moines, Iowa published data from a double-blind study last Thursday demonstrating that hamsters injected with pineal gland extract harvested from rats no longer required sleep. The hamsters were energetic 24 hours a day according to Dr. Frank Tempest, the lead scientist on the project. The pineal gland, which weighs at most 0.1 grams, has long been known to be associated with regulating our circadian rhythms. The study at the University of Newberry is the most definitive study to date documenting the importance of the pineal gland’s function.

The study, sponsored by NASA, shows promise for their Mars and other long-term missions. If it can be demonstrated that injection of pineal gland extract can eliminate the need for sleep in humans, then mission crews can operate with fewer individuals. Smaller crews mean less food and water and most importantly, less fuel.

An unfortunate side effect found in the study was a significant increase in the propensity of cannibalism in the hamsters that received the extract. The question researchers must answer is whether humans are affected similarly. Both hamsters and humans are known to be cannibalistic under stressful circumstances.

If cannibalism in humans proves to be a side effect of pineal gland extract use, NASA will need to find ways to ameliorate this problem. Researchers are reaching out to volunteers to help flesh out the issue. Human subjects will be injected with pineal gland extract and placed in space capsule simulators for six months.  If there is evidence of an increase in the propensity towards cannibalism, NASA will need to examine pineal gland analogs in their search for a viable solution for long term space travel.

In anticipation of eventually using Pineal Gland Extract on future missions, NASA is already making changes in their dietary protocols.  One of their first modifications was to eliminate A-1 Steak Sauce packets from future missions.

When he heard of NASA’s plans, Mars lead astronaut Paul Nibbleton sarcastically lamented,” I guess that means no more Lady Fingers for dessert.”